Friday, December 16

How to Kill a Relationship

Of course I am not suggesting that you have to break your  relationship but if you wan to these are the best tips to go about your business. But if you want your relationship to last never and I mean never ever do one of these.

Unforgiveness: Never, ever forgive your partner for any wrongs. Forgiveness means that they might do it again. Make sure to constantly remind them of their mistake over and over again. You should also exaggerate their wrongs and tell everyone you know. If they make no mistakes, just invent some. I'm sure if you look long and hard you can surely twist something they do around to make it look wrong.

Infidelity: Yes, that other person is hot. Go after them; after all, your partner will never know and what they don't know can't hurt them, right? And it's great for your ego, too.

Be Over Possessive: In fact, go ahead and lift your leg on your partner to mark your territory; this is completely acceptable. Your partner is your property and never let them forget this.

Never Spend Time With Them: Work three jobs, volunteer all remaining time to any local charity, golf course, obsessive hobby, your buddies at the local bar, or helping strangers move.

Don't Take Things Slowly: They might get away. Go after them fast and furious. Propose on the second date (but never go through with it, of course).

Don't Show Any Affection or That You Care: If you do, then they will expect this all the time. It will also make you look weak.

Be Abusive: Show them who the boss is. Helps to make them want to stay with you. Be a constant control freak. Watch their every move and always control their independence. Be powerful and dominating and always devise ways to lessen, control, or curtail their rights and freedoms, and make them feel grateful for being with you. No matter how cruel or savage you have to get, you will hold the power and be the master in the end.

Insult Their Family: Their family sucks, after all, so why not tell this to them all the time.

Be needy, clingy, emotional, insecure, caging them in and wanting to be with them 24/7: Oh, it's simply so frustrating to be with someone who has a life outside of you!

Be Ambiguous: Never either get in the relationship completely or get out completely; there really is such a thing as a partial commitment. Relationships can succeed with ambiguity.

Use Blaming, Shaming, Interrogation, Intimidation and Threats: I mean, how else are you supposed to control them? This way you can be a partner that doesn't have to take personal responsibility and are often unable to control your emotions or behaviors but still get away with it.

Tell Them Repeatedly That Everything is Their Fault: Why should you be blamed for their inability to withstand constant criticism and your undying unfaithfulness.

Believe in ESP: This way they should just know how you feel, what you want, and hear your unspoken concerns.

Don't Ever Change Your Bad Behavior: Otherwise, your relationship may begin to feel balanced and your partner will not be able to have feelings of contempt. The only thing equal in your relationship should be that you both agree equally that you are the boss and hold all the power. Close yourself to the possibility of growth.

Always Display a Sense of Entitlement: After all, you are their be-all.

Show Lots of Judgment: This makes them want to change for the better. Lie: They don't have to know everything about you.

Put the Moves on Their Best Friend: It does take at least three to get a good party going.

Arm Yourself With an Emotional Weaponry: Remember that all relationships are 'war' and, therefore, our partners are the 'evil enemy'. Never be on their side - or they might WIN, and since all relationships are of a 'win-lose' nature that means that you would LOSE - LOSE yourself, that is. Your superior, elitist attitude and blatant despoilment for your inferior partner would be the best choice for a weapon of mass destruction, effectively destroying the entire relationship.

Always Point the Finger: The fault is always in the other. Never you.

Be rigid: remain set in your beliefs. Take Your Partner for Granted: It is their job to always be there for you. Make Them Appreciate You: Demand that you never be taken for granted. It's not your job to always be there for them.

You've Already Made Your Good Impression: You don’t have to impress them anymore. Lay off the charm and respect. Let your good hygiene go. Stop complimenting them, or being polite. Save your good impression for total strangers. And remember, love means never having to say you're sorry.

Make Sex a Chore: Same time, same day, same way. This way there are no surprises. Better yet, simply remove sex from your life all together. Who needs to have to actually move if you don't really have to.

Put Up a Protective Wall: They don't need connection. If they can't sit in a silent and lonely rage them tell them to talk to their friends, family, coworkers, or clergyman. It's not your job to give their life meaning.

Never Do Anything as a Couple: Once you do, you will hear about it all the time! They may even expect you to do it again.

Always Go to Bed Mad: Never really resolve any of your conflicts. This way they can keep nagging and rehashing the same thing over and over again ... this will validate and confirm your belief that they really are nuts.

Their Minor Slip-Ups Should Be Punished: Use lots of silent treatment, contemptuous looks, and lots of self-denial. Remember it is their job to always agree with you and to always see things your way. It is not your job to forgive them or to see their point of view.

Never Show Your Real Self: Your thoughts and feelings should remain private. Never let down your guard or open your heart. Always wear a poker face.

Always Be on the Defense: After all, if you are always right then you shouldn't ever be questioned about anything you may say or do.

Routine is Grounding: Never shake it up or differ from the ordinary day-to-day. Never try anything new. Never surprise each other.

Let Your Looks Go: Now that you bagged them you shouldn't have to show them how good you look anymore. They already know how good you can look, right? Why do you have to remind them constantly? Never dress up for them, and quit grooming yourself so much. You can relax now that you have them, so go ahead and let yourself go in terms of your weight, your physique, your figure, your hair, etc. Once again, this doesn't apply to total strangers.

Always Remain Stoic: Never laugh out loud or joke around with each other. Try not to show any humor. A relationship is a serious thing and there should be no room in it for such frivolity.

Love is for Sissy: All good feelings must be explained away first, or denied if an explanation can't be found. Remember, love is the enemy.

Always Be Critical and Condescending: This makes you look good and shows your partner that you are better than him/her in most things. Always point out their mistakes no matter how trivial they are. Do not support them in any of their aspirations or accomplishments. Make Up Mean Stuff About Them and Then

Cut Them Down to Mutual Friends: This makes you come out looking good, and like the poor mistreated victim. Which you are.

Be Disinterested: Otherwise it won't all be about you! Negligence is the key. In fact, why not... ....

Be Emotionally Absent: That's right, abdicate! Even if you don't leave your relationship in a physical sense you can still “move on” in a mental-emotional-spiritual sense. I mean, they still have your presence there, right? What more could they want!?

Do these things above and you should have your partner scrambling out of the relationship in no time flat. But avoiding them will make him / her be very much close to you.